* You count the number of sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they are equal.
* You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry.
* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
* Your child throws up and you catch it.
* Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.
* You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.
* You mastered the art of placing food on a plate without anything touching.
* Your child insists that you read "Once upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office and you do it.
* You hire a baby sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then you spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.
* You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.
* You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.
* You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.
* You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then you obsess when he skips in without looking back.
* You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.
* You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes."
* You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
* You read that the average-five-year old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average."
Labels: mom humor
